Your Relationship Cycle & Position Take out a piece of paper and draw a large circle on it. Bring to mind the last disagreement between you and your partner. You could also select another disagreement that is typical for you both. Beginning at the top of the circle note in abbreviated form what triggered the disagreement. List the incident as you saw it and then your reaction to it. Include what you thought, what feelings came up, and how your body reacted. Also note what you did in reaction to the above. Then, moving around the circle, note what your partner’s reaction was and so on. Ask your partner to do the same from his/her perspective. As you get closer to coming full circle, note how the two of you came together again. Who softened up first? If no one softened up, note this as well. Was there any resolution? If you do this exercise alone, imagine what might have been going on with your partner. Remember, when we are stuck in our reactionary cycle, we are not responding to one another we are reacting. When we react, we tend to experience and express more negative emotions. It is typically a pursue/withdraw or attack/defend experience with no winners.
After reading the descriptions of pursuer and withdrawer, which relational position best describes you? And which best describes the position of your partner? |
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The Pursuer The pursuer is the partner who is attempting to communicate their need for closeness. Pursuers can also be thought of as blamers and/or criticizers because much of the time, that is how they are perceived by their more withdrawing partner. The pursuer is usually the first one to recognize and share with his/her partner that something is wrong in the relationship. Pursuers often feel like they are carrying the emotional burden of their relationship. They question whether or not their partner wants them, loves them or cares about the relationship at all. If their attempts at closeness are mostly unsuccessful they can over time begin to burn out, and give up. As a result, many burned-out pursuers will then take on the position of the withdrawer. When this happens often their partner becomes more engaged. In EFT we call this a reactive cycle. This is typically a very critical point in a distressed relationship as most burned-out pursuers feel hopeless and have very little faith or trust in their partner. The Withdrawer The withdrawing partner is the one who pulls away or seems to shut down when being pursued. This partner is communicating the need for distance. The withdrawer experiences the pursuer as demanding, attacking/critical, blaming or controlling. The withdrawer pulls away or stonewalls as a way of protecting himself or herself. Many withdrawers tell themselves, “I am not going to let her/him get me.” They pull away as a defense against feeling like a failure, shamed or feeling consumed by their partner. Often a withdrawer will try to placate the pursuer as a way of deescalating the pursuer’s efforts. They don’t perceive their partner’s pursuit as being genuinely wanted by their partner for who they are. In fact, they experience their pursuing partner as demanding and hurtful. |
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