Attachment Injuries

An attachment injury occurs at a time when one partner is vulnerable and the other is unable or unwilling for whatever reason to come to his/her aid. If this injury is not resolved, it can alter or even sever the couple’s bond. It is the needed partner’s inability to recognize and /or respond to the vulnerability of the other partner that results in the injury. The lack of attunement and effort to come to the vulnerable partner’s aid results in the vulnerable partner feeling abandoned. The injured partner gets the message that when she/he is at her/his most vulnerable, they cannot count on their partner. Often the injured partner makes a promise to her/himself never to trust the other completely again. The injury, if left unresolved, gets reactivated every time the injured partner feels let down. In fact, it’s fair to say that because of the unresolved original injury, the partner expects to be injured by their partner again.

In order for an attachment injury to be healed, the injuring partner needs to be emotionally engaged enough to help heal the wound. They need to be able to really hear their partner’s story of the injury. They need to be able to see the pain, accept responsibility for not being there at the critical time and offer heartfelt support now. The injured partner needs to be ready to believe and accept their partner’s love and apology.
 
Not all relationships have attachment injuries, but many do. Some injuries may get minimized by the injuring partner or even by the injured partner who might drop it after the initial complaint, or he/she may never even bring it up to their partner.


Recall a time in your relationship when you felt vulnerable, when you really needed your partner and he/she let you down, leaving you feeling abandoned.

How did you communicate your hurt and disappointment?

Do you think your partner really heard you? How did she/he respond?

Has the injury been resolved or are you still harboring hurt feelings?

If unresolved, how might you try to share the unresolved feelings with your partner? Remember to consider your position in the cycle and that of your partner.

Repairs

A repair is a genuine apology. When we make a repair we are reopening the door to let our partner in. No matter how many times we step out of the cycle, we are bound to at one time or another step in again. Making a repair can get us back on track.

Think of a time when you gave a genuine apology to your partner. How did your partner receive it? How did you feel about it?

Now think of a time when your partner made a repair or apology to you. Were you able to receive it? How did it feel?

 

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