A bit about Attachment

Before we can begin to understand how a once loving relationship can turn into a hurtful one, we must understand a bit about human attachment. John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist and Mary Ainsworth, an American-born developmental psychologist are credited with being the originators of attachment theory. Bowlby is often quoted as saying that humans are hardwired to connect with another from the ‘cradle to the grave.’ Our very survival is predicated on our ability to attach to a primary caregiver. We attach to another for protection from predators or harm as much as we do for nourishment and nurturance. In fact, research has indicated that our desire and need for nurturance (care and attention) from another is even stronger than our need for nourishment (food). And that this nurturance must be consistent enough that we can count on it. Based on the attachment style of our parent or primary caregiver we develop our style of attachment through the early experience of that relationship. If our “parent” was able to read and attune to our needs, we are likely to develop a secure attachment style. If on the other hand, our parent was unable to attune to our needs, we are likely to develop an insecure attachment style. Our parent or primary caregiver, acquired her/his style from their relationship with their “parent” and so on.

This need to attach to another is a lifelong need, especially in times of stress, illness, or threat. It is not a sign of immaturity, dependence, or mental illness. Again, it is a healthy human need to seek out comfort and feel connected (emotionally close) with another primary person. And our ability to self-sooth, when we are separated from our primary person, is also mostly based on our having been comforted and supported by a loving “parent” or caregiver in our lives. When we are feeling secure in our relationship to our partner, we are freed up to focus on and develop other parts of our lives. We can feel close and connected and also feel autonomous.